punctuative! by Matt Winn

“All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” I’ve decided to take my fouls in the blogosphere and submit a timely list of gag gift ideas for the venture capitalist in your life.

The following is as much a testament to the joke set of the venture industry as it is to the long tail of Amazon distribution:

1) The Chia Turtle:

A reminder that we must plant the seeds of growth and patiently nurture. Bonus points to the enterprising reader who attaches a rabbit’s foot to the turtle’s aft (because we’d like to have our cake and eat it too - “fast and steady,” and because luck is the great differentiator).

2) Dressing the Man, by Alan Flusser

The khakis and blue oxford stereotype is all too real. Flusser offers the VC a window into dressing with variety within the box.

3) 125MM Clear Austrian Crystal Ball

Today’s well-paid soothsayers deserve a reminder of their less well paid (presumably) brethren. Available in a variety of sizes, select in reverse proportion to your recipient’s ego. Alternatively, plunge for the neon palm reader logo sign:

4) Lightning Reaction Xtreme

The ability to “pull the trigger” on investment at the right time differentiates venture firms. Let VCs go head-to-head with this game that punishes “slow triggers” with an electric shock.

5) Spore

Every VC wants in on the latest “it” product, if only for conversational currency. Sign her up for early release notice of the most talked about game for 2007, Will Wright’s (creator of The Sims) Spore. This one’s not just a game; it’s a virtual deity on your PC, and perfect for the “control” crowd.

6) Sunny Day Play Lemonade Stand

Nothing harkens the entrepreneurial spirit quite like a lemonade stand. The year after the venture industry cobbled together panels of youngsters for diligence is the perfect one for a truly child-inspired toy. For those with bravado: replace your VC’s desk with this gift and remind him of life on the operating side!

7) Spion Orbitor Electronic Listening Device

Yogi Berra came up at a recent board meeting with the following quote: “It’s amazing what you can see by just listening.” For those that find gift idea #3 hokey, this device is sure to give your VC the clairvoyant edge.

Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults, by Lynn Weiss, PhD

Adult ADD is a true malady. According to a recent study in the American Journal of Psychiatry, the disorder affects 4.4% of 18-44 year-olds. Unmentioned is the disproportionate prevalence amongst VCs (no double-blind studies here, just anecdotal evidence). Some call it “continuous partial attention,” an environmentally-induced state.

9) Shocking Liar Electronic Game

For pitch meetings in which the entrepreneur’s claims are questionable, the lie detector offers expedited, inexpensive diligence in real-time. Release form not included.

10) You Don’t Know Jack

An oldie but a goodie, Sierra’s You Don’t Know Jack tests one’s mental mettle with a completely irreverent quiz show host. Remember, the best way to brownnose someone who’s brownnosed a lot is to show indifference (think Fred’s post on raising money). Irreverence is even better.